David and Goliath Dad and I

This Narrative Poem came to life a Year after my father's death.  

Following my father's death, I went through the darkest moment of my life. I questioned my existence; my entire life just kept flashing through my mind like a movie on replay.  I didn't know how to feel or find the words to describe the feeling, and the world told me to be strong, but I realized I needed rest and self-care to heal from my loss. I didn’t listen to the world; I shut them out, and I chose what I needed to survive.

 When my father called me to tell me he needed me because he was sick and his last day was near, I didn’t hesitate. I was in the Dominican Republic the next day.  I did not think of what this meant for me emotionally or psychologically. I just answered the call to honor my father, just as I did for my mother in her last days.

I could not have foreseen the darkness I would enter so that the light may shine upon my life.  

I choose to name this poem "David and Goliath, Dad and I", because I truly believe my Father was the biggest Goliath in my life.  From my birth, he attempted to stop my growth unintentionally as he had unprocessed trauma of his own. He was a cold and distant man, emotionally unavailable, always seeking validation instead of providing, tearing down with verbal abuse instead of building up, causing division instead of unity, angry all the time, and worst of all, he was physically abusive.  I grew up wondering if he loved me, which caused confusion that later turned into feelings of worthlessness, being invaluable, and being unlovable. The hardest part was loving him despite the damage he caused me, which led to many wrong choices and led me towards more pain in my life.

By the time it was his time to depart this world, I was deep into my healing journey, loving myself, making better choices, and grateful for the wrong choices because I saw the lessons they carried.   

Yet, I didn’t feel truly free until his death.  That's why my poem starts “My father's death a rebirth for me.”

How cruel you may think, but the darkness I encountered during my grieving process was the healing I didn’t know I needed.  In that darkness, I wrestled with all the things my father did to me, feeling the pain and vulnerability necessary for growth. It was even harder because my childhood is a blur, and I don't fully remember things; I remember certain traumatic events very vividly.  Psychologists say not remembering parts of your childhood is caused by childhood trauma, and I agree.   Healing has helped me regain good memories, and I am forever grateful that I now look at the positive times more than the negative ones.

So how did I heal in the darkness?  It took time and patience, that is for sure.  I faced it by acknowledging that yes, these things happened to me, but I was not my circumstances.  I felt every emotion that would come up, and I cried that relief was necessary.  I embraced my inner child, who was scared and alone, who spent her entire life trying to earn love from someone incapable of giving it (this part is huge for me in relationships and how the pattern repeated subconsciously).  My inner child was so confused as to how to feel, and I had to embrace her, love her before any healing could begin.

The recurring question in my mind, to which I had no answer, was "Why did my father not love me?" An answer I'm was unable to answer then. So, I stopped asking questions  I didn't have answers to, and I started asking myself, “Why do I need his love to define my worth?” Once I turned the questions inward, I began to regain my strength.  I didn't need him or anyone to define my worth.

I started to understand that who he was towards me had nothing to do with me.  His choices were his to make, and as a little girl, I didn’t understand that. As a woman now, I know that we all get to choose our behavior, and it has nothing to do with anyone but us.   Today, I know he loved me only in the way he knew how, as dysfunctional as it may seem to me, but he loved me.

I began to realize that I had spent years merely surviving, walking barefoot and alone in the wilderness as I healed. However, I was still carrying fear, abandonment, pain, shame, and guilt that did not belong to me, things I thought I had left behind but were still weighing me down. My father's death ultimately freed me from the tight grip of the chains that had kept me walking alongside shadows. 

Unshackled, I was able to focus on the woman who is thriving in life, the one who keeps loving despite everything, the woman who breaks generational cycles instead of repeating them. The woman who transforms pain into strength and faces fear as it arises.

My father’s death taught me that wounds do not define me, which allowed me to be spiritually free. I survived a giant that lived in my home and in my mind for years.

My father couldn’t provide me with the kind of love I needed, but in his death, I found the love I needed to give myself.   A love strong enough to break generational cycles in me and the generations to come.

David and Goliath, Dad and I

My father's death a rebirth for me.  A bit cruel, my thoughts yelled.

Not at all, I replied.

His death loosened the generational curses he carried. 

Giving room for the warrior Queen in me to fully take her position.

The position she was given at Birth and trained for throughout her life.

All part of God's plan 

Through the fire, I would go 

Of smoke, I won't smell

My first battle

To survive death

Days after birth

My earthly protector turned into my Goliath 

As he attempted against my life 

Gasping for air I found myself

Instinctively fighting to live

Fear felt rather than safety

No recollection I have

Years went by with damage done

Distance placed between father and daughter

Unconditional acceptance and love never felt

From the man chosen to be my father

Mother and I

A conversation we would have

An Explanation she gave

Help me understand she tried

An emotional moment

As she relived the day 

God used her to save my life

And a curse began

A generational one the worst of all

My mother saved me from physical death 

My father placed me in a subconscious

Fight or flight position

To survive my mission

Anger I felt

Towards him

Disgust with her

For choosing this man

Day after Day 

I saw her choose him

After the beatings, I suffered

The curses he spit my way

Tearing my self-esteem 

How could she allow such disrespect

Her reasons she had 

None I understood

All part of God's Plan 

A dark journey followed my life

Trust nowhere to be found

Safety only I could provide

A heart overflowing with pain

Gray days my normal 

Anger my favorite attire

Worthless Unloved my mantra became

An emotional life

Lived in self-sabotage

Never knowing the whys of my choices

No time for exploring 

To live the objective

Emotionally unavailable 

A subconscious action

Much comfort it gave

Sustained me 

Kept me moving

Pain fueled my strength 

To love a weakness 

Slow me down it will

To conquer my focus

On my own, I found my way

Although never alone 

I came to realize

Jesus’ a constant presence

In my life

Leaned into him for comfort

A start to a beautiful relationship

Love, Mercy, and Grace he provided

Purpose my life attained

Wisdom from the pain I gained

Dad my Goliath  

The vessel used to create me

All part of God's plan

To Love My Father

Much prayer required

His end of days now near

Chosen for this moment

Face-to-face with my Goliath

Walk away or tear down the Curse

My choice alone

Into the suffering, I went

Alone I was not

Trust in my heavenly father

My weaknesses made strong in him

His love within me

Deep-rooted roots of Love, trust, faith, and hope

I now had

As my Goliath laid at my feet

Forgiveness he sought

Mercy, Grace, and Love I gave

On his last days

A generational curse I slayed

My rebirth began

My long-suffering 

Perseverance 

Patience

Not in vain 

All part of God's Plan

His plan to prosper not to harm

Preparing me for a purpose 

Beyond my sight 

Transmutation taking place

Adversity turned into healing

Anger into love

Sadness into joy

Pain into wisdom

Shackles destroyed

From Victim to Survivor

From Surviving to Living

A Spiritual Warrior Queen I became

 All part of God's Plan